best. weekend. ever.

( this pretty much sums it up. )

we broke up.

Nothing feels right. Nothing feels normal. Nothing feels like it should. Or at least how it used to.

Number one: school. I'm not doing what I thought I would do. I always pictured myself at an awesome school, studying awesome things, having all kinds of awesome fun. But instead, I'm living at home with my parents, going to community college. I just have to keep telling myself It's only temporary, next year will be different. I'm glad I'm not at Grand Valley anymore. It just wasn't a good fit for me, but this is hard too. So, what's next? What am I going to do next year? Good question. I'm thinking about Eastern, because I can get a fair amount of scholarship money there. But is that what I really want?

Number two: boyfriend. What is supposed to happen when you've been dating the same guy for three years? What's the next step? Are things just supposed to die down like they have? We still enjoy the time we spend together, but it's just been kind of an emotional plateau for the past two years. I remember when we were both still in high school and we hung out every single day and somehow, that worked. Now we see each other once a week at the most and I think we both just feel stuck. It's almost like we feel too comfortable. Is that possible? Is that normal? What happens now? Am I trying too hard? Why can't he talk to me?

Number three: friends. I love my friends. I hardly see them. I knew we would start to drift apart once we moved away to our respective schools, but it's sad. Especially in light of recent events, I feel like I want to spend as much time with them as possible. So they know I love them. I hope they know I love them.

Number four: me. I've changed. But not for the better, in my opinion. I used to be relatively laid back and easygoing. Not anymore. I'm tense, uptight, jealous. And for no good reason. I hate these things about me. I'm trying so hard, but maybe too hard. I want to be a good person, but I don't think I know how.

I just want my life to get back to normal. I feel out of place in my own life. I feel like nothing is the way it's supposed to be. Or maybe everything is the way it's supposed to be and I just don't know it. I'm just not used to it yet. Well, I don't want to get used to it. I want to be happy with the direction in which my life is headed. But how do I get there?

i feel like i have something to say, but i don't know exactly what it is or exactly how to say it.

john mayer was awesome last night. my boyfriend is the best.

at this point, i can't decide which one of them i'm more in love with.

i'm staying at raymond's tonight. but i'm by myself since he works at night. it's a little creepy.

when he gets home in the morning we're going to ihop for FREE pancake day.

maryland was good. harper is the cutest kid in the world. i can't wait for the new baby. thursday is laura's birthday so i'm going up there for a couple days. saturday is date night with raymond. and then next week i start the rest of my classes. i really have nothing important to say.

i'm hopefully going to detroit this weekend to check out irene's school. i thought last year was the only time i'd make a big decision about colleges. but i guess not.

finals are next week, and thankfully, i really only have two. and then wednesday i can leave! for three and a half weeks! i can't wait. i'm so excited for christmas.

laura and i might go christmas shopping this week. she gave me a shirt yesterday. she bought it at the gap for two dollars but it didn't fit her. it fits me and looks really cute, so i'm excited.

i just ordered two tickets to see john mayer in february. i'm excited. times a million.